Grief is a deeply personal experience. A National Institute of Mental Health study learned that “a survivor’s way of life can be altered for as long as three years and is commonly disturbed for at least one year.” Many times, we are uncertain as to how to comfort someone who has experienced a loss, but it always requires empathy, patience and sensitivity. Today, I would like to suggest some thoughtful ways to support those who are grieving. Three ways you may want to avoid, and three ways to embrace. Some of these are just common sense, and some of these are based on personal experiences from when my husband passed away.
Let’s start with three suggestions on what to avoid:
- Avoid Cliches
We all have the best intentions when we try to express our condolences, but we should be mindful of our words. We desperately want to take their pain away, but sometimes we can mistakenly say the wrong thing. For example, the phrases “they are in a better place”, “everything happens for a reason”, “it’s God’s will”, or “it’s for the best” might not set well with the person grieving. You might also want to avoid an empty “how are you?”
- Avoid pretending everything is OK.
Don’t minimize their feelings. Let them know you understand that they are hurting. Avoid offering quick fixes or trying to cheer them up. Avoid offering advice on how to cope with grief. Acknowledge their pain and listen with empathy. Offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, without rushing to offer solutions or advice.
- Avoid thinking that your condolences are a one-time thing.
Don’t figure you did your duty if you had reached out immediately after a loss, then don’t keep in touch. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and support shouldn’t end at or right after the funeral. Sometimes the survivor may be having a hard time getting used to being alone. Continue to check in – even if it’s brief and you are just letting them know you are thinking of them.
And here are three suggestions to embrace:
- Understand that everyone grieves in their own way.
Every grief journey is unique. And there can be cultural and religious practices that you might not be aware of. In addition, the circumstances surrounding the passing can be vastly different. So, the way one would approach the person who lost a loved one should take this into consideration. For example, one may be surprised to learn that some may even feel a sense of relief if their loved one suffered during a long illness.
- Respect their coping mechanisms.
The coping mechanisms people use to help them through the grieving process can also be very different. Some want to be alone, while others prefer company. I know when my husband passed away, a good friend called and said she would fly into town and stay with me. That was the last thing I wanted…I was someone who needed to grieve privately. But I felt horrible when I told her not to come. Some may not be able to work, some may need to get away, or some may need to find ways to keep them occupied. I am very good at compartmentalizing, so for me diving into work was my coping mechanism after my husband passed away.
- Write a personal note –
A lot of people are hesitant to reach out to those grieving because they don’t know what to say. So, they avoid contact. But a note can be very comforting. Notes should aim to offer comfort while acknowledging their pain. Another suggestion would be, if you knew the person who passed, include a positive memory or celebrate their loved one’s life.
Here are some suggestions when you knew the person:
- She brought so much joy to the world.
- Your father will forever hold a special place in our hearts.
- Your mother’s legacy of kindness and love will continue to inspire us all.
- I will always remember your brother as a kind and loving member of your family.
- We will cherish the wonderful memories we have of him.
- We are so grateful we were able to get to know her.
Here are some general suggestions:
- Sending you love and strength as you navigate through this heartbreaking time.
- My deepest sympathy for your loss, and I’m holding you close in my thoughts.
- In this moment of sorrow, my heart reaches out to you, wishing I could write words that could bring a bit of solace.
- Sending healing prayers and comforting hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.
- May cherished memories always be with you.
- May you find passing moments of peace.
- I hold you in my thoughts with great affection.
- With all my love and deepest sympathy,
- There are no perfect words.
- May peace gently find its way to your heart.